Restless in Rome

In the summer of 2015, I was blessed with the opportunity to embark on a three-week pilgrimage in Europe to celebrate the International Eucharist Youth Movement’s (Thiếu Nhi Thánh Thể) Centenary in Rome. From Oregon, three youth leaders, including myself, signed up to attend, but we wanted to join a larger group. Providentially, there was a group in Houston that had three extra seats on their tour bus! As we Oregonians arrived at the Houston airport to take a joint flight to Rome, I saw for the first time sisters in white habits. I previously thought that all religious sisters wore black, for the sisters I grew up with only wore black habits. I clearly remember questioning in my mind, “What are they?” Fortunately, I not only came to the conclusion that these Dominican sisters were indeed real, but they radiated with joy!

One day in Rome, I was sitting on my sleeping mat during one of our break times, when, all of a sudden, a sister plops herself down next to me and, out of the blue, asks, “Would you like to go to Come and See?” My reaction was almost immediate, “No thank you!” But I dared not tell her bluntly, so I kindly said that I would think about it. Even when I said that, I had no idea what Come and See was, so the question simply slipped out of my mind. But perhaps the Lord was not satisfied with such a response and sent another sister. This sister shared something that lingered in my mind the entire trip, “If you get married without discerning your vocation, there will always be this curiosity that will bother you for the rest of your life. He who has given you plenty of chances is now only asking you for one chance.”

Although our conversation was brief, those words resonated greatly as I witnessed for the remainder of the pilgrimage, the beauty, freedom, peace, and joy that a docile soul receives in living according to God’s will. It was through these three weeks of eye-opening experiences with God’s brides that He watered the seed that He had sown in my heart in the beginning. After my encounter with these women that had said “yes” to God. I could not keep the Dominican sisters out of my mind. Pope Francis had said, “The joy of men and women who love God attract others to Him.” Through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I came to realize that it wasn’t their joy that I was attracted to, but Christ’s. My encounter with these brides of Christ brought to me an encounter with their Bridegroom.

Nevertheless, my heart was restless. How confused and troubled I was as I tried to make sense of what God was doing within my heart! I continued to try to deny that He was calling me, but the desire from within endured. I could no longer ignore God’s patient knocking. St. Augustine expresses, “You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness.” The Lord was calling me to be wholly and entirely His, but there were many things I was still unable to surrender. In order to settle the restlessness within my heart, I attempted to make a bargain with God: if all eight of the Dominican sisters that went on that trip invites me to go to the Come and See discernment retreat, I will go.

When we had landed back in Houston, only seven of them had invited me. I thought to myself, “Alright God, I gave you a chance. I guess it’s a no.” Just seconds after I had that thought, the last sister came up to me and bluntly asked, “May I have your email and phone number? I want to send you information regarding the Come and See program.” My eyes widened and I did not know how to respond. While I was in denial that He was calling me ever so gently, my heart was elated to know that He had greater plans for my life. Thus, one “fiat” after another, my journey of falling in love with Christ and becoming His bride started.

            As I continue to take each step forward into the Heart of Christ, I know that I have my Bridegroom and I have my heavenly Mother, to whom I entrust my vocation to. There truly is something more than what the world offers – something that brings peace, joy, and happiness that cannot be found apart from God. I know that now, as ever before, His hand is extended, waiting to pull me into this realm that is a foretaste of the eternal bliss to come.

“You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”
St. Augustine, Confessions